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Wednesday, June 19, 2013

I want to be "Overweight"....

I have to be honest with you, I'm fighting some demons right now.  One of the biggest is this one of image.  I took a look at this picture from this past weekend's 5K and I'm feeling pretty bad about the way I look.  If you never met me before or knew of my previous high weight of 314 lbs., you would still think that I'm a fairly fat guy, right?  I've told myself all of those self help things like "it's all about the health, don't worry about your image" and "look at how far you have come and look at how good you feel".  I guess where I'm struggling is that I've been working hard at this since last November and I'm still a big guy, and I'm still hitting many of the road blocks that comes with weight.  By way of example, I went into a running store a couple of weeks ago to buy a fitness belt to store personal items and carry a water bottle.  It was pretty embarrassing that even after the salesman tried to expand the belt it didn't fit me. Not even close. I came to the realization that running stores don't cater to fat people.  After all, fat people don't run, right? As another example, one of the perks of running road races is the shirt that comes with the race, unfortunately, despite getting the largest size that they have offered (2X), these shirts still don't fit me.  I'm now starting a collection of shirts that I'm hoping to fit into one day, but in the meantime, it's a constant reminder that I'm still fat.

I just want to be "overweight" on the BMI scale. Even though I've made great headway, I'm still obese.  I may not be in the morbidly obese category any more but I'm still obese and that's depressing against the backdrop of all of the hard work. I know that BMI isn't a real good measuring stick, however, fat is fat and I'm still there.

I don't share this with folks very often but I struggle with depression and these feelings of self image get strong sometimes and add to my weight-loss struggle.  I'm just tired of being fat and can't loose weight fast enough.  I do worry, however, if I don't get this image thing under control that I won't ever be satisfied, whether at 244 or 195, and that's a scary notion.
 
On the positive side, I went into the office on Monday and Tuesday after being out for several months (I'm fortunate to work for a mobile work-styles company that allows full time remote working) and it was a great pleasure seeing people's reaction.  I've never had people say to me, "Wow! You look good!  I've had complements before but one guy was so loud that it drew attention.  It's a good feeling when this happens but I can't live on this response as it will eventually go away, and later if I don't get this response even though I know that I've lost weight, I fear that I might get more depressed and stop my progress.  It did feel good though!

Does anyone else that struggles with weight have these same feelings?  I would love to hear your thoughts.

Respectfully,

~Jason Furtak~
http://www.facebook.com/tminus110 





6 comments:

  1. Jason, I understand what you are going through. I too wish I was just overweight. I have come close a few times, only to see the scale creep up. I also battled depression. It was brought on by years of being teased for the way that I look. I am also getting ready to start training for my first marathon at WDW.

    I applaud you for putting yourself out there. I am sure you will quickly find that there are many more of us who run yet have a pile of race shirts that one day we hope to fit into. I think you are amazing. I think you are winning this battle. I think that the only person who cares what you look like on the outside is you. Your family and loved ones love you for you, not what you look like, or whether or not you have a racebelt. (I can't wear one either..stupid hips make it ride up so it is like I am wearing a hula hoop around my waist).

    I think the most important thing here is that you haven't given up on yourself. The fact that you are fighting the fight everyday and succeeding is far more than many who have just given up. You are out there living your life, not letting anything get in your way.

    I am looking forward to following your journey and will be commiserating with you after the scary looking long runs.

    Fight on Rock Star

    Heather

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    1. Heather, Thanks for the words of encouragement. I wish you the best at WDW Marathon. Please feel free to stop by Tminus110 and share links to your updates on training. Thanks again, ~Jason Furtak~

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  2. Jason, I'm starting at your high weight and preparing to run Disney races as a way to get my body moving. Your story inspires me and I've been there - try looking for women's running wear or accessories! Keep it up, my friend.

    - Kimberly

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    1. Kimberly,

      Thanks for coming by the blog and encouraging me. I wish you the best in your weight-loss endeavors. I'm not used to being other people's inspiration but I would like to encourage you along the way. Do you have a FaceBook page like ( http://www.facebook.com/tminus110 ) that I can follow your progress and encourage you along the way? ~J

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  3. I have struggled with weight all my life! Plus in the last few years have gained a substancial amount of weight. I still have 50 to go. And when i ran PHM 2013 the biggest hurdle for me was running while still fat, and worrying what people would think. And I hate pictures of myself, but still I made myself document what I was doing. And post pictures. I am hoping to be about 40 pounds thinner for PHM 2014. And I know I still won't be what people consider thin, but I will know where I came from.

    You are doing an awesome job. And I think you look great. Keep going, and keep posting!

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  4. Beth,

    Thanks for the enthusiastic encouragement. Image is a tough thing, right? As much as we would like to focus on the benefits of a healthier life style over image, it's the image that everyone gravitates to (good or bad). Harder still is when one back slides and one knows that people notice that he or she has gained weight. I wish you the best on your 50 lbs. goal. Please consider "LIKING" my FaceBook page at: http://www.facebook.com/Tminus110 . If you have a page where you're posting your races and/or progress, please share so that I may continue to encourage you. Thanks, ~J

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